what God wants.

God wants us to have a child's heart.
with a grown-up's head.
simple.
single-minded.
affectionate.
teachable.
with every bit of intelligence we have
to be alert at its job, and in first-class
fighting trim.

[c.s.l.]

Clyde Kilby's resolutions for mental health

[and now, my resolutions]


1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death, when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing. "

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my like into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably as C.S. Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee land lord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

You are ever active, yet always at rest. You gather all things to yourself, though you suffer no need..... You grieve for wrong, but suffer no pain. You can be angry and yet serene. Your works are varied, but your purpose is one and the same.... You welcome those who come to you, though you never lost them . You are never in need yet are glad to gain, never covetous yet you exact a return for your gifts.... You release us from our debts, but you lose nothing thereby. You are my God, my Life, my holy Delight, but is this enough to say of you? Can any man say enough when he speaks of you? Yet woe betide those who are silent about you! (Augustine, Confessions, I, 4)

the world is perishing.
the earth is dying.
the end is near.
who will tell them?
who will go?
it is the last hours
will you still just sit there?
will you continue to ignore them
and spend your last moments
with a movie and a white mocha?
wake up!
listen and go.
go next door.
go across the street.
go to your coffee shop.
to your grocery store.
you don't need to travel the world.
just step outside your door.

miscellaneous sock piles
and a clothes heap
cupcakes and procrastination.
the sun is shining
it's dim within.
a chalk eraser
scattering dust in my mind.
a box with tape
cards stacked high
blue ribbon
and a chance to die.

I was walking down the aisle, looking for a treat to take home to my good "kittens". [aka siblings] Standing in front of me was a pretty young woman, with a cute toddler sitting in her cart. I was smiling at the child, and glanced up at the mother, in time to see her turn her head and sob. Trying to speak softly, I heard her crying to whomever was on the other end of her phone. "But that's just it... I mean... How can I trust you anymore?" The despair and plain sadness in her voice made my heart ache. I desperately wanted to hug her. I didn't. I picked out one of each kind of fruit leather. Lingered for a few moments, pretending I was looking for something else. And then walked away.
Because, after all, she obviously didn't want to be disturbed. [are you sure?] And it obviously was a very personal matter. [does sympathy require all the details?]
I am glad that Jesus knows her name.

what i do today is very important,
because i am exchanging
a day of my life for it...

it flutters by your mind
almost there.
but always out of reach
that beautiful thought
yearning after joy.
always present
but seemingly unattainable.
feelings for love
yet not completely
grasped. for a moment
you caught it.
held it. adored it.
and then it was gone.
the unexplainable beauty
and wordless joy still
haunt you. not asleep
yet not awake
happiness in visions past
and beauty realized.

a.s.

the real is left behind
the shadow is on the wall
a mans face staring at me
dancing, pleading
another face appears
in the laundry
i turn toward the window
to see a face trying to get in
everywhere i turn
i am surrounded

sessions were going on, the church was full
and people were everywhere. some were
sitting and listening... hearing and learning
how to do hard things, others were talking
in quiet groups of twos and threes. and I
went to find a quiet corner all to myself.
I found a window seat, where I could still
hear the speaker, yet be alone. my eyes
wandered everywhere. up and down the hall,
outside, down at my crocs. i leaned my head
against the window frame and looked down.
wedged in between the frame and the seat
were some sticky notes folded up. gingerly I
pulled them out, wondering if they had anything
of interest written on them. hmm. the writing is
feminine. words are crossed out here and there
and others put in their place. it is odd to be holding
and reading something that was written by a girl
that is somewhere out there that I don't know.
the paper is purple. her writing is small and penciled.
i wonder if she has ever looked for her folded sticky
notes. did she even know they were there by the window?
she doesn't know I have them. but God does. He knows
who wrote it and He knows I have it. It intrigues me.
these are her thoughts...

voices so distant
empty and hollow
the other side of
cold machinery.

sounds recreated
never the same
as particles drifting
from mouth to ear.

space allowed
time traveled simply
never the same
as skin touching skin.

pictures to frame life
to fool the sharpest eye
while behind a canvas of lies
a box sits alone
as empty as out hearts
as cold as our minds.

unused emotions
creativity left for dead
imagination imagining reality.

a show to capture an audience
to condemn a human race
to drain them dry
and leave them helpless
crying out for more.

to be cute is not your aim.
to be flighty is not your ambition.
to be Beautiful is your desire.
A solid, wise rock.
not an autumn leaf blown in the wind.

how often do you feel like nobody?
how often do you feel worthless?
how often do you feel without purpose?
that your life is going nowhere...
or not the way you wanted it to...
or thought it would.
that you have no special talent.
no amazing gift.
people like you, but don't love you.
you're happy enough where you are.
but so many people you know are
doing spectacular things.

and you're not.


But God gazes at you with love, because you
were His idea.
you have the special gifts He has given you,
though you may not see them.
He has chosen you for a reason.
for a purpose.
you are His.

and no one. can take you away.

ever.

"You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you,
and appointed you, that you should go and bring
forth fruit..." john 15:16

" Your eyes saw my unformed body, yet unperfect;
and in Your book all my days were written, the
days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none
of them." psalm 139:16

"This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved
us, and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
1 john 4:10

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before
you were born, I set you apart." jeremiah 1:5

I don't want to be a "needy" person. I want to stand on my own feet and help other people. And while helping others is a good thing, sometimes I need to be needy. Just for awhile. Before God I AM needy. I have nothing without Him, am nothing without Him. The spirit of pride rises in me though and I want to stand alone. Especially in front of others. I don't want to show excessive emotion or make myself vulnerable in any way. Except. I am not a superamber and I am not God. So I can't stand on my own. When I am having a tough week, it is far easier for me to be macho woman and snap at everyone than it is for me to let people see in my heart. Pride. It is easier to be a bitter grump then to show any pain or tears. Pride. I can handle it. Pride. I'll be fine in the morning. Pride. What is everyone's problem today? I'M fine. Pride. I don't think it was just a coincidence that I happened to be reading a book on humility the same week I heard an excellent sermon on pride. I have found that so many of my decisions come back to me. Me. Me. Me. Me being in charge. What is best for me. What I feel like doing. Where I feel like going. Who I feel like helping. That is selfishness at it's finest. Pride is the root of selfishness. [and every other evil. really. think about it.] My decisions are based on me trying to control my life. Except my life isn't mine to control.

"Pride takes innumerable forms but has only one end:
self-glorification. That's the motive and ultimate purpose
of pride -- to rob God of legitimate glory and to pursue
self-glorification, contending for supremacy with Him.
The proud person seeks to glorify himself and not God,
thereby attempting in effect to deprive God of something
only He is worthy to receive.
No wonder God opposes pride. No wonder He hates
pride. Let that truth sink into your thinking."
[ C.J. Mahaney]

a.s.

like a little child wants their mommy...
i want to go home.
like the little baby wanting security and peace...
i want to go home.
like the infant curling up with his blanket...
i want to go home.
i long for the time when there will be
no more hurt, no more confusion.
no more tears, no more pain.
no more vulnerability, no more fear.
no more misunderstanding,
no more sin.
where there is joy and learning.
love and peace.
contentment and fulfillment.
holiness and security.

i'm longing for my real home.

a chalky grey pencil. dusty. dirty. trying to hide and blend into the page. ashy. boring. faded. and dropping into obscurity.

because of your mercy.
because of your grace.
because of your holiness.
i've fallen on my face.
[can i ever get up again?]

"God created man, created him to be His own... God set him in Eden to live in fellowship with Him, but man sinned. Man became the slave of evil. He cannot break free. This is precisely the situation that the ancient world saw as calling for an act of redemption. We who belong to God have gotten into the power of a strong enemy from which we cannot break free. If I can say it reverently, God, if He wants us back, must pay the price.

And the great teaching of the New Testament is that God has paid the price. He has redeemed us. Christ became our Redeemer... To release the slaves of sin He paid the price. We were in captivity. We were in the strong grip of evil. We could not break free. But the price was paid and the result is that we go free!"

--Leon Morris

my soul is FULL.

and then. my soul feels

b

l

a

n

k

.


with a period at the end.

God is in control.

yet. He is not a puppeteer, directing me with strings.

He gives me choices.

to love Him freely.

to move my wooden arms and embrace Him.

what are objects
things we hold
things we look at

what is love
how we feel
how we act

who is me
something simple
something complex

what are colors
explosions of pigment
ink solidified

what are words
communicating feelings
communicating thoughts

life isn't really this rational, you know.

i love trampolines and squeaky swings
and taking a walk in my pajamas and crocs
and nobody cares because nobody's there.
i love climbing trees, although not with bees
and hopping on rocks without any socks
and i don't care, 'cause i'm blissfully unaware
that anyone's there.

-a.s.